Friday, June 25, 2010

Yes, It Has Come to This...

I'm going to talk about something that has been raising eyebrows across the blogosphere as of late. It is a reoccurring theme that pops up every now and then, and it has reared it head (of sorts). Keep in mind, I didn't start this. If you're going to blame anyone, ANYONE, for what you are about to read, blame Mrs. Fatass @ "Did I Just Eat that Out Loud?" (if you don't follow her, you really ought to, she cracks me up). Well a few months ago she posted "Hello, Kitty (part one)" (and then there was a follow up recently "Hello, Kitty (part two)") in response to Drazil's post about this whole issue. Bikini waxing and maintenance of the hair down there. Unlike Mrs. Fatass, I am a little hairier than most girls. Well, I may not be hairier, but I have dark, thick hair on my head and it just grows that way. I have always had hairy arms and I hated it.

A few weeks ago, I was complaining to a friend of mine about how often I have to shave my legs and it seems that I am always missing a good chunk of it, and it's always the same chunk. I'll look at my legs one night and find a hair or two that are at least 3 times longer then anything around it. I'll even go over that part several times and feel down m legs when I'm in the shower thinking that I got it all, only to exit and an hour later find a stubborn hair. Well, my friend said that she uses a hair removal cream so she doesn't have to shave as often. Interesting. I bought one years ago but it made my skin feel weird, not to mention the burning hair scent that lingered around the bathroom for an hour or two, prompting my brother to ask "What in the hell did you do in there?!". But the more I thought about it, the more I wanted to try it again, so with a fresh paycheque in the bank, I went to Wal-Mart. There is a whole freaking aisle of hair removal crap but I tried not to hang around too long or grab too many bottles and boxes on the way out as not to raise suspicion of HOW MUCH hair removal I truly need. Well, when I was there I was thinking about Mrs. Fatass and Drazil and the...um...excess that has grown in the time that I have been single.

I used to shave once in a while, but I always got the bumpies and it just made me look like I had some crazy STI after an hour or two. Not too attractive. Well, wouldn't you know it, they keep the waxing kits next to the hair burning creams. My interest was peaked. I could try it. Could be interesting. On a side note, I have a seriously overactive imagination so I have this reocurring daydream that me and some hot faceless guy with an accent meet and totally hit it off but then I am terrified because my coochie looks like a beaver that stuck it's tail in an electrical outlet. I bought a binkini/face kit because my lip was getting a little dark, something I have never had to worry about before, and left the store (with the hair cream as well) trying not to attract too much attention to myself.

I waited until much later to attempt the de-furring. After commiting the instructions to memory, I started with my lip. The little wax stips look so innocent in the pretty box and they were even a nice calming green. This can't be that bad, I've had my eyebrows threaded which hurt, this can't be any worse than that. I put the wax on my upper lip and rubbed it down. I mentally prepped myself and 3...2...1...RIP.

HOLYMOTHERFUCKINGOUCH!!!!

My lip went numb. And then I knew that I had to do the other side. Again, it burned. I was suddently very wary of trying the bikini set, so instead I put the cream crap on my legs and then got in the shower (the bottle said the cream was water resistant and you had to wait a minute before getting the shower, which I did, but the cream mostly washed off when I got in the shower). I still hadn't totally dismissed the idea of the bikini wax and I thought that I would try it after I got out of the shower. The skin would be a little bit softer and maybe it would hurt less. Well, I tired to position myself so that I could look in the mirror at the same time to make sure I wasn't going to rip anything too important. I put the wax strip on and held my breath. 3...2...1...PULLLLL!!

HOLYMOT....hey wait a minute...

If I had to say which one hurt more, I would truly have to say my lip, and I was not expecting that. The bikini wax was alright, there was some blood, yes, (and now the morning after, there is some bruising that actually looks like a hickey, but trust me, it's no hickey, [I don't think I held the skin tight enough])but it didn't hurt nearly as bad as I thought it was going to. I didn't do the whole bit, just the edges, but I have a feeling that the closer you get to the mmmhhhmm-hmm the more it hurts. I think that when I get some cash I'm going to pay a professional to do it and I'm going to bring my waxing-experienced friend with me for moral support. Because that's what girlfriends are for, to hold your hand while a total stranger rips out your pubies.

4 comments:

  1. Thanks so much for tellin me to stop by! :) My blog roll needed a DESPERATE makeover! :) I love Sue's blog I also LOL from reading her posts!

    I added ya...and I gotta say OUCH for the waxing! I tried NADS (do u remember that stuff?) years ago and I got a hickey- in my arm pit!!!! lol SO funny!

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  2. I was talking about this with my friends as well! hahaha...

    I don't clamscape to the skin -- why? I have straight pubes that grow multiple hairs in a follicle and tend to get ingrown. Pure and simple. That and they (1) help prevent bacterial growth (2) keep the area from chafing and (3) are a secondary sex characteristic that i think people should find sexy but because of porn do not.

    So i trim the hedges, but i don't go all the way.

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  3. I figure that as long as it doesn't look like a rainforest is growing out of my swimsuit (the few random times each summer it gets worn) I'm all good. A whole lot of shave gel and my handy-dandy Quattro and I'm good to go.

    And I literally cringed at the mention of NADs. I was SOOOOOOO allergic to that stuff and ended up with horrid welts here and there and ... well ... too many places that should never be welted ;)

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  4. I use hair burning cream down there, and it works fine, but not shower proof, as I learned my first time too. If you leave it for 8-10 min, and then scrape off in the shower, it works. I've had bikini waxing on my mind for a couple years, but I always dismiss it out of fear. Especially if it involves strangers seeing my punani... Thank you for making me a bit more comfortable with the idea, and for the laugh (yeah, at your expense... sorry). You'll have to update us when you get to the salon :)

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