Friday, April 23, 2010

Changes, Big and Small

I'm back, for how long I don't know yet. I have one final exam on Thurday the 29th and then I will really be free! FREEDOM!! On the weight loss front, I have some good news! I haven't lost a whole lot of weight, but I had new measurements done today.

Bust: 44.25'' (-.25")
Waist: 39" (0)
Abdomen: 47.75" (-1.0")
Hips: 51" (-1.25")
Thigh: 30" (0)
Arm: 14" (-1.0")

I'm happy that even if I'm not losing weight, I'm losing inches because I and only a handful of people (Pat at work, Nathan, my mom) know exactly what I weigh, but EVERYONE can see what I look like and the difference in inches. I would much rather weigh more but have it look better and more toned. My brother's girlfriend is 5'2'' and weighs about 120 lbs and she wants to lose 10 lbs. Personally, I think that that would make her too skinny and that she should focus more on toning what she has and making it look better than thinking that she has to lose weight.

I'm really enjoying my work with Nathan. We're starting a new program that is more like a cardio bootcamp idea, so lots of jumping and steps with ball cruches, push-ups and other kinesthetic activities thrown in for good measure. We did that for the first time last night and I'm so sore today.

Lots has been changing in my life lately. Big changes over a short period of time. Me and my boyfriend of 5 years, Ian, have broken up. We were both just so tired of ripping each other's throats out on a daily basis and we decided that how ever much we force it to work, it's just not. I'm terrified, excited, nervous, depressed, yet relieved all at the same time. I'm nervous because I have not been single, ever, in my adult life (18+). Being 15 and in a relationship and then finding myself at 19, almost 20, single is a hard concept to grasp when I've spend 25% of my life with this person. I don't know who I am when I'm not dependent on someone else, or rather, when I don't have someone who is dependent on me. I think the reason I tried to stay with him for so long, not only because it was nice and familiar, was because I'm terrified that I'm not going to find someone else. All the guys I know are dating other people and my friend Paige from UBC, was recently broken up with, she has been asked out four or five times by different guys within the last 3 weeks. Guys don't even talk to me, let alone show any romantic interest in me.

This leads me to another of the big changes in my life. My weight loss. It feels like I keep losing the same 2 lbs over and over again for the last 3 months and then I fall off the bandwagon and binge. When I was out with my friends a few weeks ago, we drank a lot and ate things that come in plastic bags with ingredients you need a masters degree in chemisty to know how to pronouce. I think that my hesitation with the opposite sex is very much rooted in my insecurities of my body, but the issue I'm having is that I don't know how to be a fit person. Growing up, I watched my dad fall into the habit of gaining weight and just watching more pile on. I'm not as disciplined as I would like to be, like my mom. I wish that it just came effortlessly, but it just doesn't. I really think that if I were in better shape that I would be more confident and feel less desperate about becoming an old cat-lady but my bad habits are comfortable. My bed is nice and warm in the morning and I would rather be there or playing on the computer than going out to the gym. Junk food is tasty and I like the salty taste of Cheese Puffs with a few coolers! I don't know anything else than what it feels like to be fat and it's comfortable. I've heard of people who have lost a significant amount of weight and they say how great it feels to be fit and they have so much more energy now, but I don't know what fit feels like and it's hard to motivate myself to feel a certain way when I don't know what is it store once I get there. Maybe if I were in good shape when I was younger and then gained a lot of weight, I would feel really motivated to get back to what I used to weigh and feel better about myself, but I've never felt that way.

I was talking to Nathan about this last night and he said that he didn't really understand what I meant by "I don't know how to be a fit person". He pretty much has the same background as me, with the weight gaining and the parent things, his mom did Atkins and lost over 100lbs and then gained most back because of underlying health conditions, but he couldn't understand what I meant. He told me to find someone that weighed around my goal weight and height and that I should envision myself looking like them, except that the person would be me. And I can't even do that yet. I wish that I did. I imagine what it would be like to be thin and fit, but I can't make the image in my head look like me, because I'm not thin and fit, and never have been. I like that he has been through the weight loss thing and come out the other side, with the before and after shots to prove it. He went through this journey within the last year or two and he's only a little older than me, or that gives me some hope that I can accomplish this.

1 comment:

  1. hmmmm. I have always been a fatty cake as well, but when I turned 18 in 2007 I joined the army. After training I fit in size 8 (6 at old navy) jeans. I still weighed about 165, but I looked and felt GREAT. I was discharged from the army in 09 because of issues stemming from a bad back, and I gained about 80 lbs in less than 2 years. I now jump from 221-228 and believe me, It is no easier to get back in shape. I know how great it is to be fit and "sexy" and I cry myself to sleep some days because I want to be there again, but I want results NOW. When I was in training I went 2 whole months without putting on any of my "normal" clothes, and about 6 months b4 I hopped on a scale, so to me, it felt like it happened over night and it KILLS me to not get results fast. I keep losing 10-15 lbs, then detouring for a few months then starting over as soon as i get back to my starting weight....


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