Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Tuesday, December 1st, 2009: The Beginning

This is my anti ana blog. Welcome. I'll start my telling you a bit about myself. For all intents and purposes here, my name is Sarina. I live in the greater Vancouver area and have lived there my whole life. You may know me. You may know someone like me. I am the girl that no one liked. I am the girl that was too shy to take initiative and start a conversation. I am the girl that everyone picked on because I've been overweight my entire life, straight from when I was a young girl growing up. My family life wasn't unhappy, I wasn't a neglected child, but I grew up watching my father eat and gain weight. When he picked me up from choir practice every Thursday night when I was 10 years old, he would bring me a soda and we would eat chips or other junk food, like puffed pork, on the 20 minute drive home. My father was never around a lot when I was growing up because he would go to work early in the morning before I woke up and then would be home in the evening, but would then take refuge in front of the television or his computer. So, the 20 minutes with my father was something that I came to value and look forward too. Food was a reward and it was then associated with good feelings.

This, of course, is not where it started. It started before I can remember and before I can pinpoint where it happened. In grade 2, I weighed 100 lbs. I had another friend who was heavy, and we considered it an accomplishment that we broke the 100 lbs milestone. In grade 4, my best friend was a girl that was very athletic. Her mom bought her purple flair pants with embroidery on the bottom and I wanted pants just like those. One day in May, they felt tighter than they used to, and while playing outside one afternoon with my classmates, I bent over to pick up a kickball and my pants split in the rear. I don't think that up to that point I had ever been so embarrassed. Throughout elementary school, I continued to gain weight to the point that in grade 7, when the popular kids in my class played truth and dare on a field trip, and I was the butt end of their jokes. The boys said that they would rather date the developmentally disabled girl in our grade than the fat, socially awkward reject. In case you missed it, I was the latter.

Entering middle school, all of the people that I had grown up with in elementary school were put in a larger pool with about 5 other schools in the area. Many of them knew other people from sports and through mutual friends, but I having no close friends to begin with, was left just as alone. I knew people from softball, but I was just as socially inept as ever and didn't develop friendships with anyone. I passed through a "punk" phase and wore black clothes with metal spikes, but that attracted attention from teachers and administrators. They wanted to help me, but I don't really think that they knew what to help me with. Falling out of that scene briefly, I met the first people I would ever really consider to be friends. In grade 9, a new boy moved to my middle school from another in the area. His parents were in the middle of a divorce and he had moved into the area. I noticed him at first because we were in the same metal shop class and he was fully decked out in punk attire. I was more on the indie fringe of the scene, having ditched my jeans and baggy sweaters that were my wardrobe in elementary school. This guy was the kind of guy that I deemed my "type". By the end of that day, he was my crush for the year. He managed to get into a group that I had a few casual friends and I (my only bold move throughout middle school) inserted myself in the group. For the first time in my life, I had friends that I hung out with after school on a regular basis. Friends, who I didn't have to make plans a week in advance with. The ringleader of the group was Stephenie. She was tall and limber, an artist, a talented singer and musician, and the person that Ian, the new boy, fell for. In order to be more like her, I stopped eating.

When I started grade 9, and met Ian for the first time, I weighed about 190 lbs. I was unhealthy and unhappy. As that time, I did not eat breakfast and had not since I was 11 years old. For me, I stopped eating lunch and threw away what my mother had packed for me. I felt bad that I was wasting food, but after a while of bringing home most of what I didn't throw away, she stopped making me lunch. I was too picky, because I didn't like this or that, was tired of sandwiches, etc. I wouldn't eat until I got home for dinner and would only eat very small portions, sometimes making myself throw up. When I was given food after school, sometimes I would flush it down the toilet instead. Over the following weeks, I dropped my weight down to around 170lbs. My Nana was following weight watchers and when I visited her one weekend, she smiled and me and told me how thin I was getting, how good I looked. My mother frowned and said that it was because I didn't eat. I love my Nana very much; she is married to my Grandpa and not blood related in anyway, but all of this happened before my parents were even married, so she's always been Nana. To see her disappointed in me hurt, but I was on my way down. My jeans fell down when I walked and I had to invest in a few good belts, I took in a few pairs of skirts, and Ian started paying attention to me. We spent more time together and we developed a relationship of sorts. In May of 2005, we began dating and we've been together ever since, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

After a few weeks of not eating, I couldn't do it anymore and my willpower broke. I began binging and I gained back all of the weight that I had lost. And more. That's how it works unfortunately. Within a month, I had gained back 20 lbs and then kept on gaining more. I still wasn't eating a lot, but what I ate was bad. I started eating lunch again, but I ate french fries and burgers from the cafeteria with rich coffee drinks. I ate more dinner at home, but when I got home from school I would sit and eat a whole bag of chips to myself, or a whole box of macaroni and cheese, complete with extra cheese x3.

The summer I turned 15, I moved in with my grandparents in order to go to an academic school in South Surrey. I was essentially living on my own, and would eat fried egg sandwiches for dinner, tea with coffee cream (because my grandparents don't like milk) and cookies for dessert. By "cookies" I mean 9 or 10 cookies in front of the computer. I didn't walk to school anymore, I got rides up the very steep hill (that would have been excellent for cardio and muscle building in my legs) every morning.

I don't remember exactly when it happened, it was probably in 2006, but I had reached the 200 lbs mark. When I joined Curves, I weighed 209 lbs and that was in December of 2006. Almost exactly 3 years ago. Since then I have not weighed less than 210 lbs.

My last attempt at weight loss was in late January of this year. At the time I had topped my record weight and weighted 228lbs. I joined weight watchers and lost 15lbs over 16 weeks and kept it off for a few months after I had discontinued the program. Recently, I have fallen into old patterns and I was eating a lot of junk food and gained all the weight I lost on WW and a little more. My latest weight record is 234.5 and today I weight 232.5 lbs.

For all intents and purposes, my name is Sarina. I am 19 years old living in Vancouver, Canada. I am 5'4 feet tall. My BMI is 39.4, and my body fat percentage is 44.1%. This is a blog about my journey to lose weight in a healthy way, without diet pills, binging and purging, starving myself or magic fairies (ya know, those fairies are hard to catch!!). This is a blog about self discovery, about acceptance and about living a healthy lifestyle. I can't count on all my fingers and toes how many times I've said that I'm going to lose weight, but by golly, maybe this time I'll stick with it!

2 comments:

  1. We seem to have a lot in common. I am 5'5", weigh 230, and am also starting a journey to healthy weight loss. I went through the starving myself fazes as a teenager, and then went back to eating horribly. As an adult I've tried a number of times to lose weight, and I've recently hit my all-time weight high. But, by golly, I am going to stick to the weight loss regime this time! ;) We both started our blogs on the same day! How about we go on this journey together? :D

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  2. Wow Elaine, that's amazing! I will be reading your blog! Thank you for your support, these kind of journeys warrant company :)

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