Signs and Symptoms: Source: Mirror-Mirror.org
- Binge eating
- Fear of not being able to stop eating voluntarily
- Depression (yes)
- Self-deprecating thoughts following binges (yes)
- Withdrawing from activities because of embarrassment about weight (yes)
- Going on many different diets (yes)
- Eating little in public, while maintaining a high weight (yes)
- Believing they will be a better person when thin (yes)
- Feelings about self based on weight (yes)
- Social and professional failures attributed to weight (yes)
- Feeling tormented by eating habits (yes)
- Weight is focus of life(yes)
So out of these signs of an eating disorer I have 10 of the signs. Is it possible that I have an eating disorder? Absolutely. But, is it more likely that I am inventing this and looking for an excuse to blame my problems on something other than myself? That is more likely.
Every year when I go for my physical, I hope that my doctor is going to tell me that I have some kind health problem that is the root cause of my weight gain and really, its not my fault. Now that I have come to realize that I am constructing this in my head, I am able to come to terms with it. I don't like looking the way that I do, but at the same time, it's hard to make myself fully accountable.
I don't think that it would be heathy for me accept this verdict, especially a self-diagnosed verdict. I've considered going to my doctor but I don't feel that she listens to what I have to say, or is not concerned about looking below the surface of why I am the way I am, and weigh what I do. I tell her that I'm tired and she can tell that I've gained weight every year, so she sends me for blood tests to check for diabetes and make sure my thyroid is in proper working order, but every year, I don't hear anything back from her so I assume that everything is normal. But I'm still tried and still gaining weight.
I've talked briefly about my father's role in this whole situation. He has sleep apnea because he weighs so much and was tested for that at a sleep lab. It would account for why I'm always tired but I don't know if that's what it is. It's probably just because I'm overweight and my body has to work harder.
Until I find out that I really have an eating disorder, I will do my best to lose weight my own way. I have started following weight watchers again and working out with my friend Bailey for the past few weeks at Curves. I haven't weighed myself in the last few days, but I was down to 232.5lbs which is a progress of two pounds! I should celebrate every pound as an accomplishment, because it really is! It is a pound that I will never see again (knock on wood!) and a pound closer to my goal!