Sunday, December 27, 2009

229

So...

Well we survived Christmas, I suppose. Some of us may have come out with a bit more than we we wanted to, like myself. Since the last time I weighed myself, which I think has been two weeks, I have gained 1.5lbs. Poop. It could have been worse of course but it's not what I want. I thought that I had been working hard but I guess that I have to work harder. I don't know that Weight Watchers is for me, so I was just trying to monitor what I was putting in my mouth and trying to make good choices but I wasn't doing a very good job. I really don't like counting calories, but I will figure something out.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Back in the Game

Hello, hello!

I'm finally back to blogging! I've been super busy finishing up my exams, but now I'm done until January! Time to focus on getting myself through the holidays. How are you all doing? Is the holiday shopping almost done? Are you baking and cooking up a storm? Are you SAMPLING a little more than you should?

Last week was a hard week for me. Just because I was on campus a lot and combine that with the stress of exam... there is an A&W on campus!!! LOL Of course, it is right beside the Subway sandwich place, but the line up for Subway is always three times longer than the line up for A&W! No, I never went to A&W, thank goodness, I think that it just might make me gain back all the weight that I have lost, but the idea of a teen burger and onion rings is very tempting.

Many of you know that I work at Curves, a fitness facility designed for women. My boss, Andrea, is thinking about stocking this new product called Isagenix. Isagenix is a weight loss product and a body cleansing tool that, allegedly, flushes your body of toxins on the cellular level, as well as providing you with the nutrition you need to go about your day. It was recommended by our district representative and a few of the other Curves owners are beginning to stock it. Those of the owners that have tried it have experienced incredible results, losing 20-30 lbs in their first month. What do you guys think? Have you heard about it? Have to tried it? Let me know!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

The First Turkey Dinner... dun dun DUN!!!

Ok, so Sunday night was the first holiday dinner of the season for me. Turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, carrots, brocolli and fresh homemade buns. Oh yes, comfort food times ten! All the things that I love pushed together in a warm kitchen and presented buffet style.

I thought about my plan of attack. Start with the vegetables. Thankfully, they were steamed without any butter on them, so I filled up my plate with veggies first. Alrighty, I thought, stove top stuffing...preservatives, butter, sodium...marvelous. A little bit of stuffing, it is my weakness. Next stop on the buffet was the turkey. Oooh, turkey. White meat, dark meat? The choices. I really have to send my appreciation to the cook as the turkey was beautifully moist and flavourful. On the flip side, that made the possibility of second helpings that much more alluring... So I grabbed me a few pieces of dark meat (check out here and here for more info on dark meat). It was amazing, and I sustained myself without going overboard! Hoorah!

Then somewhere in the back of my mind, an alarm went off. "Now just wait one second here, missy," it rang. "You're forgetting one very important part of this here meal." And what had I forgotton? Oh, yeah. Dessert. One little, unimposing, 7 letter word. Dessert. Pumpkin pie, a tuxedo cake (with REAL whipping cream) AND a caramel apple crumble. Just when I thought that I was out of the woods, fate decided that it was not yet finished tempting me. Add cookies and rolls to the mix and I could already feel myself bloating. Ooooooh, sugar and dough and butter, oh my! I compromised. Sure, I could have done this a bit better, but it's done now. I had the smallest bit of each that I could manage. Pumkin pie, tuxedo cake and the caramel thingy. Unfortunately, the caramel crumble was very dry, the tuxedo cake was very rich, but the pumpkin pie was great. In hindsight, I should have stuck with my instincts and gone with only the pumpkin pie, but we all learn.

Second dinner is coming up on Sunday and then again on Christmas day. How are you guys coping with the holidays? I really appreciated your comments to my last post and I'm glad that some of you may find it helpful!


Thursday, December 10, 2009

Just because the holiday is here...

This is a list that I put together based on a little internet searching and tips/know-how that I've picked up along the way. I will definitely try and practise this over the holiday, and I hope that some of you find it helpful!

Tips for losing weight over the holidays:

• Don’t go to parties on an empty stomach: Have a light snack before you leave, like a salad with fat free dressing. You are less likely to binge when you get to the party because you won't feel as if you are famished and could eat a horse!  Most appetizers have an alarming amount of fat and calories for such a small portion, so arrive prepared, and DON’T stand around the food table. You will be more prone to mindless snacking on those chips!

• Don’t neglect your exercise: There is no “I can do it later”. Every day is important to reaching your goal. Dark and cold days got you down? Go to the gym and get those endorphins pumping! You’ll feel energized and ready to get on with your day. Can’t make it to the gym? Even Christmas shopping presents opportunities for exercising. Opt to take the stairs rather than the elevator. Pick up the pace and walk a little faster when you’re shopping. Ankle weights are also a good investment for burning a few extra calories over the holidays.

• Drink plenty of water: Your body needs H2O in order to break down fats. If your body doesn’t get enough water, it will retain as much water as it can and cause you to bloat and gain water weight. Herbal and green tea (without sugar or cream) is also a good option as the hot water aids digestion and will keep you warm! Aim for 8 cups a day plus, at least, an extra cup for every half hour you exercise. Avoid alcohol as best you can as it will cause you to become dehydrated and will lower your inhibitions. Suddenly, that big chocolate cake looks so amazing you have to have a big piece!

• Write down what you eat: One of the best strategies for weight loss is to write down everything you put in your mouth. That includes all the tasty treats and snacks over the holidays. If you have to stay accountable, you are less likely to mindless snack on what is in front of you and think about how that food will help you reach your healthy goal.

• Take action now: Don’t wait until January for something you can start today! Take baby steps. Start by replacing sodas and sugary juices with plain water. Walk a block or climb a set of stairs, and then increase your activity level periodically. Don’t decide one day that you’re going to get up every morning at 4am and go out for a 5km run, cut out all sugars and carbs, and lose 45 lbs in a month. You will set yourself up for failure and disappointment. If you’ve never run in your life, start by taking walks and incorporate jogging intervals of 1-2 minutes. If you restrict your body from all the things it is used to having, you will get some serious cravings that may lead to binges. Be mindful of portions when eating and look for the healthy alternative to keep you satisfied. Trade a big bowl of ice cream for ½ c frozen yogurt, or a bag of greasy potato chips for a 20g mini-bag of baked Lays chips, if you’ve been good. Healthy weight loss is measured in 1-2lbs per week. Set a reasonable goal of 5-10 lbs in a month.

• Stay positive: Humans are not machines. You will have good days and not so good days. So you only lost one pound last week and you were hoping for more? Celebrate that one pound! It is an accomplishment. Kick its butt out the door and tell it to never come back! Set reasonable monthly goals, like working out “X” number of times each week and if at the end of the month you have met your goal, reward yourself with a manicure or a facial. Something non-food related. There is a long road ahead of you and there are bound to be a few potholes. If you keep working hard, the weight will come off.

• Have fun: Work out with a friend. Read up on inspirational stories of people who lost weight and kept it off. Go to that Christmas or New Years party, but don’t stress. Eat in moderation and keep exercising, even if you don’t want to. You will thank yourself later for it. Buy a new dress and show it off! People notice if you feel confident. You only live once, so be sure to enjoy it!

Money, Moves, and your Mid Section!!

Today, Pat called in sick for work so I’m going to be working from 11am to 6:30pm. Yay, more hours for me! This is just what I wanted, so I am happy. I’ve been spending too much on my credit card for myself and with Christmas coming up, I can definitely use the extra dough.


Bailey came in at 11am to work out so I got that out of the way for the day. I’m going to Tai Chi tonight as well so I’m expecting to be very tired tonight. Tai Chi is actually a lot harder than it looks. All the twisting, weight transfer and slow movement is something to get used to and it uses a lot of muscles you don’t use very much. We have completed all 108 moves and tonight and the next few weeks are going to be about honing our skills and getting the moves down better. I do fairly well in the first third of the set and the final third; it’s just the middle section that gets me a little confused. It’s a good thing we have lots of time to practice.

Work is going very slow. There haven’t been too many people here throughout the day and I’m expecting it to get even worst later in the evening. On the positive side of things, I’ll have lots of time to study for my exams next week. I’m scared that I’m going to relapse and I’m going to eat junk food and things that I shouldn’t from all the stress of final exams.

I realize that I blog A LOT (“Hello, my name is Sarina and I’m a blog addict”) but it’s just because I find it much easier to keep myself motivated if I’m always thinking about it! If I’m not blogging, I’m exercising or at work (even though I blog at work). That is what my life has become: work, exercise, blog. Rinse and repeat. I don’t mind, not at all, because like I said, it keeps me on track. Until the point that I lose interest in losing weight, I will continue to flood you all with blog updates! I can only hope that some of what I say may help you as much as it helps me.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Get ready, GO!

Hello Blog!


I find that it is very therapeutic for me to write in this blog. I like that I can get all my feelings in print and talk to someone about what I’ve been doing. I don’t feel comfortable talking to my parents about it yet; especially to my mom. My mother is one of those self-motivated people, which I am not. Before me and my brother were born, my mother went to the gym 6 days a week and held down a 124lbs frame at 5’4. When she puts her mind to do something, then she will not settle for half-way or half-assed. We joined Curves together with my grandmother in late 2007, but for health reasons, my grandmother was not able to continue with us. Mom and I continued to go, but it’s too easy to tell my mom that I don’t want to go to the gym today and she’ll accept it and go on her own. Today my mom weighs in the mid 140’s and for 47, she looks pretty good. She runs a lot and does the Vancouver Sun Run every year. This year, she was invited to lead a running group that teaches people how to run properly in preparation for the Sun Run. I’m so proud of her for what she has accomplished and that she has met her goals.

I only wish that I could be so motivated. I’ve fallen off the wagon more than a few times and it will take me months to get back on. Some days, it feels like I’ve been losing the same 10 pounds for years. But in this stretch of weight loss, I’m content. I’ve decided to change my scale. I’ve been weighing myself at Curves but it’s always at different times and there is no consistency. So, in order to fix this, I’m only weighing myself on my bathroom scale. The good news is that on my bathroom scale I weight 227.5 lbs. YAY! Better than the 232.5 lbs at which I have been stuck. Now I get to be stuck at 227! LOL! I’m not changing my starting weight as I’m positive that at one point I was 235 lbs.

Today has been going more or less well. I woke up early again as I haven't been able to shake that habit! Now that I'm out of school, I just wanted to sleep in for a few days but I don't think that that is going to happen anymore. I'm getting ready for my first exam bright and early Saturday morning at 8:30am. That is going to suck.

Mika: Big Girl (You Are Beautiful)

Yesterday, I discovered my very favorite workout music. Take a listen.
CAUTION: You will want to get out of your chair and dance!




I also recommend: "Love Today", "We are Golden" and "Lollipop". Happy exercising!

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

She shoots, she scores! It's a goal!

Time to set some goals! From what I read, goals are important in weight loss so here we go.

I want to lose at least one pound per week, no more than two. If I lose two pounds per week, by the end of March, I could be below 200 pounds, which is kind of exciting. I don't think that it will happen that way, just because I think that it will be difficult to maintain a loss of 2lbs/week. So my mini-goal is to lose

5 lbs/month and 20 lbs by March 31st 2010!

I think that is a good goal. Of course, I wouldn't mind if it happened faster too! LOL. Other goals that I have are to go to Curves at least 5 times/week and go to the community weight room and pool 3 times/week. If I go to Curves and the gym at least 5 and 3 times per week respectively, at the end of the month, I will reward myself with a professional manicure. If I meet my goal of losing 20 lbs by March 31st, I will get the new tattoo that I want to get (a pair of angel wings on my wrist with some script saying "Did you Live and Did you Love?" or "Freedom, Beauty, Truth, Love").

So far, I'm not really thinking about long term goals. I want to get down to 135 lbs so my BMI would be about 23, which is in the "healthy" range of 20-25, even if BMI is kind of outdated. According to the BMI scale, Arnold would be obese. I'm traking my weight loss on the ticker on the side of the page, so take a look at it from time to time :)

Yesterday, I bought Vitamin B6/B12 with Folic Acid by Webber Naturals. The bottle says "Helps the body to metabolize carbohydrates, fats and proteins. Helps to form red blood cells". So overall, it sounds like a good thing. The Curves Vanilla Protein Powder that I drink before or after my workouts has B6 and B12 in it as well, so I'm going to look and see if there is a maximum recommended dosage, so I don't take too much. It is supposed to help with weight loss, so what is the harm? According to the Dr. Berstein diet (see the review here), the "secret" to that diet (I really hate that word diet) is the B6/B12 injections. Because I am not interested in injections, I decided to try the vitamin supplements. I just Googled it and haven't seen too many severe syptoms.

My plan for the day is to go to Curves with Bailey at noon  so I better get ready!

Monday, December 7, 2009

Thank you, Woman of a Certain Age :)

Midly frustrated. After I posted a blog entry about overeating, I got this response:

"Woman of a Certain Age said...

I'm not a medical practitioner, but I'm in recovery for an eating disorder, and in reading your blog it seems that you may benefit from talking to a specialist in eating disorders. What if you looked at it as not "looking for an excuse" but as an opportunity to get to the root cause of what you're ACTUALLY overeating about?

In my treatment program, we try to separate ourselves from our eating disorder, but the point of doing that is to heal. It's not to remove our own culpability. It's to help us differentiate between our healthy selves--the one that wants us to eat tasty, healthful food--and our eating disorder, which wants us to overeat to numb out pain, or undereat to do exactly the same thing.

I wish you luck! If you're interested you can follow my recovery on my blog: http://theblogaboutthebody.blogspot.com


By no means was I frustrated by the comment, I was actually interested because she might be on to something. The frustration stems from the results of my Google search. I searched "eating disorders vancouver" and found one of the biggest eating disorder clinics in Vancouver, Looking Glass BC. The problem is that Looking Glass BC deals largly with men and women that undereat and has less to do with people with binge eating disorder or an overeating problem. Sure, there are referrals of doctors, nutritionists and psychologists who do deal with the latter problems, however they all charge upwards of $100/hour for their services. I will continue looking! There has to be something out there, and I'm writing emails to professionals for a little guidance as well :)

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Another day, another reason to keep going!

Welcome followers :)

I was at work when I signed into my blog, and when I realized that people actually read what I was writing and even commented, I just about screamed! Thank you very much, from the bottom of my heart, for reading my little blog. Now, to business!

I mentioned that I was at work. I work at Curves for Women, a fitness facility (do you see the irony here?). We feature a 30 minute workout specially designed for women. I really enjoy working here and almost look forward to coming to work. I have free access to the gym whenever I want and you think that would be enough to get me to lose weight, but no. I've been working here for a year now, but I've been a member for two. When I first started working here I thought, "OK, now that I'm working here, I have no excuse not to work out. I'll lose weight and I'll be healthy. I can do this for myself!". Well, wouldn't you know that watching other people work out, doesn't actually make you lose weight yourself? What a shocker (LOL).

When I first started weight watchers in January, I was eating properly but I wasn't really exercising and now that I'm exercising with Bailey, I'm not eating as well as I could. Thankfully, I'm making it into Curves to work out between 5-7 days a week so I'm not gaining any weight, but I've stopped losing weight as well! Take it in stride, refocus.

Today's Food Journal (so far):

8am: 2 Whole hard boiled eggs      -4 pts              26
           Oatmeal                             -4 pts              22
And lot of peppermint tea!!

Thursday, December 3, 2009

So, how's the diet going?

Today, I feel alright. This morning, I ate a Tim Horton's Bacon Breackfast Sandwhich on an Everything Bagel...I KNOW, I KNOW!! Not a very nurtient dense breakfast (oh yeah, and this was on the side of a medium Steeped Tea with 2 milk and 2 sugar, at least is was a medium!). I love my Timmy Ho's in the morning but I feel guilty for the rest of the day. Right now, I'm sitting in my final anthropology class of the year, and I'm busy blogging about what I have done with my day thus far. I'm really hungry because I forgot to pack a lunch again. Today is not one of my best days. I can't wait until tomorrow at noon.  I will be ALL DONE for the Fall semester and then I can really hit the gym! I'm excited, but what also happens in the holidays...

Oh, the holidays. Stuffing and sugar cookies and carbs, oh my! I'm not counting carbs because I don't understand them. I know the difference between good carbs and bad carbs (fruits and whole grains vs. refined anything!) but it's a better system for me to focus on my points and getting enough exercise. I'm following weight watchers again, and I have 30 points alloted to myself.

8am Tim Horton's Breakfast                      -9 points                  21pts
       Med. Tea (2 milk, 2 sugar)                 -2 points                  19 pts
1pm Golden Oreo Thinsations (100cal)     -2 points                 17 pts

....And that's all I've had today. I've feeling pretty hungry so I might stop and pick up some food at the Student Union Building before I leave campus for the day and pick up some Subway! YAY! 6 inch Veggie Delight, with mustard, no cheese on 9 grain honey oat bread...3pts :) That is the joy that (most) vegetables are free points. All I really have to count is the bread.

Tonight, after I finally get home from campus (a feat that will take me 1.5 hours!) I'm going to do Tai Chi with my Daddy. I'm really glad that we get to do this together. It's something active that we can both do. He does Tai Chi because it keeps his joints loose, and I make him go. I go because it's a good stretch for my muscles, and he makes me go.

Compulsive Overeating?

Today, I started wondering if perhaps I have an eating disorder. Not anorexia or bulimia nervosa, but maybe a compulsive overeating disorder.


Signs and Symptoms:  Source: Mirror-Mirror.org
  • Binge eating
  • Fear of not being able to stop eating voluntarily
  • Depression (yes)
  • Self-deprecating thoughts following binges (yes)
  • Withdrawing from activities because of embarrassment about weight (yes)
  • Going on many different diets (yes)
  • Eating little in public, while maintaining a high weight (yes)
  • Believing they will be a better person when thin (yes)
  • Feelings about self based on weight (yes)
  • Social and professional failures attributed to weight (yes)
  • Feeling tormented by eating habits (yes)
  • Weight is focus of life(yes)                                                                

So out of these signs of an eating disorer I have 10 of the signs. Is it possible that I have an eating disorder? Absolutely. But, is it more likely that I am inventing this and looking for an excuse to blame my problems on something other than myself? That is more likely.

Every year when I go for my physical, I hope that my doctor is going to tell me that I have some kind health problem that is the root cause of my weight gain and really, its not my fault. Now that I have come to realize that I am constructing this in my head, I am able to come to terms with it. I don't like looking the way that I do, but at the same time, it's hard to make myself fully accountable.

I don't think that it would be heathy for me accept this verdict, especially a self-diagnosed verdict. I've considered going to my doctor but I don't feel that she listens to what I have to say, or is not concerned about looking below the surface of why I am the way I am, and weigh what I do. I tell her that I'm tired and she can tell that I've gained weight every year, so she sends me for blood tests to check for diabetes and make sure my thyroid is in proper working order, but every year, I don't hear anything back from her so I assume that everything is normal. But I'm still tried and still gaining weight.

I've talked briefly about my father's role in this whole situation. He has sleep apnea because he weighs so much and was tested for that at a sleep lab. It would account for why I'm always tired but I don't know if that's what it is. It's probably just because I'm overweight and my body has to work harder.

Until I find out that I really have an eating disorder, I will do my best to lose weight my own way. I have started following weight watchers again and working out with my friend Bailey for the past few weeks at Curves. I haven't weighed myself in the last few days, but I was down to 232.5lbs which is a progress of two pounds! I should celebrate every pound as an accomplishment, because it really is! It is a pound that I will never see again (knock on wood!) and a pound closer to my goal!

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

The Second Blog!!

Hello cybersphere! I can't believe that it's December already! Where did the year go? Soon Christmas will be here and all that wonderful food...Oh my stomach started rumbling as I typed that! LOL

So while trolling a few pro ana sites, I came across some interesting rules and guidlines. They included sayings like:

"Nothing tastes as good as thin feels."
"Every time you say no to food, you say yes to thin."
"Being thin is more important than everything!"

While reading these late last night, I admit that I was not in a good place. I felt as if the whole world was crumbling around me and I was tired of being a failure. After reading this, I actually felt a little better, which is actually amazing. The brain washing in our culture is mind blowing. Some of these girls that follow these as if they were a mantra are in a dangerous place, emotionally and physically. I know that I am in a better place and I won't get sucked into believing these things. I know that people can be beautiful regardless of their weight or size.

I don't feel beautiful because I don't feel healthy. I am afraid of food in a sense, because I don't know where to stop. I don't understand what a healthy serving size is or how to make healthy meals for myself. I use too much oil when I cook, like butter and fatty oils. I use a lot of cheese in anything I cook too! It makes it better of course, but it doesn't help me in reaching my goals.

I've been trying to work out more too, but it's not always pracitical. I'm going to Curves with Bailey just about everyday and I enjoy spending the time with her, but I don't always feel as if it is enough. I went to the local rec centre last week and did an hour of cardio and then went for a swim in the pool and I felt pretty good, but I haven't been able to make it there for a while.

Tuesday, December 1st, 2009: The Beginning

This is my anti ana blog. Welcome. I'll start my telling you a bit about myself. For all intents and purposes here, my name is Sarina. I live in the greater Vancouver area and have lived there my whole life. You may know me. You may know someone like me. I am the girl that no one liked. I am the girl that was too shy to take initiative and start a conversation. I am the girl that everyone picked on because I've been overweight my entire life, straight from when I was a young girl growing up. My family life wasn't unhappy, I wasn't a neglected child, but I grew up watching my father eat and gain weight. When he picked me up from choir practice every Thursday night when I was 10 years old, he would bring me a soda and we would eat chips or other junk food, like puffed pork, on the 20 minute drive home. My father was never around a lot when I was growing up because he would go to work early in the morning before I woke up and then would be home in the evening, but would then take refuge in front of the television or his computer. So, the 20 minutes with my father was something that I came to value and look forward too. Food was a reward and it was then associated with good feelings.

This, of course, is not where it started. It started before I can remember and before I can pinpoint where it happened. In grade 2, I weighed 100 lbs. I had another friend who was heavy, and we considered it an accomplishment that we broke the 100 lbs milestone. In grade 4, my best friend was a girl that was very athletic. Her mom bought her purple flair pants with embroidery on the bottom and I wanted pants just like those. One day in May, they felt tighter than they used to, and while playing outside one afternoon with my classmates, I bent over to pick up a kickball and my pants split in the rear. I don't think that up to that point I had ever been so embarrassed. Throughout elementary school, I continued to gain weight to the point that in grade 7, when the popular kids in my class played truth and dare on a field trip, and I was the butt end of their jokes. The boys said that they would rather date the developmentally disabled girl in our grade than the fat, socially awkward reject. In case you missed it, I was the latter.

Entering middle school, all of the people that I had grown up with in elementary school were put in a larger pool with about 5 other schools in the area. Many of them knew other people from sports and through mutual friends, but I having no close friends to begin with, was left just as alone. I knew people from softball, but I was just as socially inept as ever and didn't develop friendships with anyone. I passed through a "punk" phase and wore black clothes with metal spikes, but that attracted attention from teachers and administrators. They wanted to help me, but I don't really think that they knew what to help me with. Falling out of that scene briefly, I met the first people I would ever really consider to be friends. In grade 9, a new boy moved to my middle school from another in the area. His parents were in the middle of a divorce and he had moved into the area. I noticed him at first because we were in the same metal shop class and he was fully decked out in punk attire. I was more on the indie fringe of the scene, having ditched my jeans and baggy sweaters that were my wardrobe in elementary school. This guy was the kind of guy that I deemed my "type". By the end of that day, he was my crush for the year. He managed to get into a group that I had a few casual friends and I (my only bold move throughout middle school) inserted myself in the group. For the first time in my life, I had friends that I hung out with after school on a regular basis. Friends, who I didn't have to make plans a week in advance with. The ringleader of the group was Stephenie. She was tall and limber, an artist, a talented singer and musician, and the person that Ian, the new boy, fell for. In order to be more like her, I stopped eating.

When I started grade 9, and met Ian for the first time, I weighed about 190 lbs. I was unhealthy and unhappy. As that time, I did not eat breakfast and had not since I was 11 years old. For me, I stopped eating lunch and threw away what my mother had packed for me. I felt bad that I was wasting food, but after a while of bringing home most of what I didn't throw away, she stopped making me lunch. I was too picky, because I didn't like this or that, was tired of sandwiches, etc. I wouldn't eat until I got home for dinner and would only eat very small portions, sometimes making myself throw up. When I was given food after school, sometimes I would flush it down the toilet instead. Over the following weeks, I dropped my weight down to around 170lbs. My Nana was following weight watchers and when I visited her one weekend, she smiled and me and told me how thin I was getting, how good I looked. My mother frowned and said that it was because I didn't eat. I love my Nana very much; she is married to my Grandpa and not blood related in anyway, but all of this happened before my parents were even married, so she's always been Nana. To see her disappointed in me hurt, but I was on my way down. My jeans fell down when I walked and I had to invest in a few good belts, I took in a few pairs of skirts, and Ian started paying attention to me. We spent more time together and we developed a relationship of sorts. In May of 2005, we began dating and we've been together ever since, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

After a few weeks of not eating, I couldn't do it anymore and my willpower broke. I began binging and I gained back all of the weight that I had lost. And more. That's how it works unfortunately. Within a month, I had gained back 20 lbs and then kept on gaining more. I still wasn't eating a lot, but what I ate was bad. I started eating lunch again, but I ate french fries and burgers from the cafeteria with rich coffee drinks. I ate more dinner at home, but when I got home from school I would sit and eat a whole bag of chips to myself, or a whole box of macaroni and cheese, complete with extra cheese x3.

The summer I turned 15, I moved in with my grandparents in order to go to an academic school in South Surrey. I was essentially living on my own, and would eat fried egg sandwiches for dinner, tea with coffee cream (because my grandparents don't like milk) and cookies for dessert. By "cookies" I mean 9 or 10 cookies in front of the computer. I didn't walk to school anymore, I got rides up the very steep hill (that would have been excellent for cardio and muscle building in my legs) every morning.

I don't remember exactly when it happened, it was probably in 2006, but I had reached the 200 lbs mark. When I joined Curves, I weighed 209 lbs and that was in December of 2006. Almost exactly 3 years ago. Since then I have not weighed less than 210 lbs.

My last attempt at weight loss was in late January of this year. At the time I had topped my record weight and weighted 228lbs. I joined weight watchers and lost 15lbs over 16 weeks and kept it off for a few months after I had discontinued the program. Recently, I have fallen into old patterns and I was eating a lot of junk food and gained all the weight I lost on WW and a little more. My latest weight record is 234.5 and today I weight 232.5 lbs.

For all intents and purposes, my name is Sarina. I am 19 years old living in Vancouver, Canada. I am 5'4 feet tall. My BMI is 39.4, and my body fat percentage is 44.1%. This is a blog about my journey to lose weight in a healthy way, without diet pills, binging and purging, starving myself or magic fairies (ya know, those fairies are hard to catch!!). This is a blog about self discovery, about acceptance and about living a healthy lifestyle. I can't count on all my fingers and toes how many times I've said that I'm going to lose weight, but by golly, maybe this time I'll stick with it!